Trust That What You’re Doing Is Exactly Where You Should Be

The title quote came from @moreloveletters. I had been thinking about this concept for about one week, specifically Wednesday to Wednesday…more about that in a bit.

I have gotten some pressure to pick up my job search again. This pressure comes from good-hearted friends and family members who could not fully understand what draws me to this field. To be fair, “this field” includes more than residential treatment. To be realistic, to do much more in “this field” requires licensure. I plan to begin working toward licensure in the fall, but a license alone won’t appease everyone. It will likely not enable me to live free from financial worry, or frequently travel, or have an uncomplicated or easy work experience. But those aren’t the things for which I necessarily strive.

Last Wednesday, I got pretty messed up physically and mentally by a situation with a couple of clients. I was providing a male client with support off unit and was about to switch him with a female client who was on unit. She apparently saw opportunity after I opened the door and reattached my keys to my belt loop because she took a running start and proceeded to run by me, grab my keys and pull me until my ID badge broke away from my keys. The male client, seeing opportunity himself, continued to follow us through the locked doors while I called for assistance. Long story short, I was able to keep one door closed while assistance came. We removed the male client from the hallway, but not before he was able to kick staff in the head. He also punched our supervisor in the head as well, causing me to feel guilty about the entire ordeal as the person who initially opened the door. It’s a ridiculous thing to feel guilty about, as I didn’t promote the female client’s desire to AWOL in any way. When we processed a couple days later, she felt remorseful. When asked how she would alter her behavior to avoid a situation like this in the future, she said she would not attempt to AWOL on a day that I worked.

This Wednesday, the client had a similar response, but I was not directly involved in the situation. Instead, I was afforded the opportunity to work with another client who was struggling. She wished to leave the unit to gain access to drugs and alcohol. She talked about plans to take a staff member’s ID and because I was alone in the gym with her, I was a little anxious, but talked her down. It was amazing to do something while her typical coping skills were proving ineffective. She came out of her room later that night to thank me and give me a hug. I wish the little victories like this left me with physical evidence that outweighed the bruises and soreness of the bad days…

But they don’t. So in the meantime, I’ll keep trucking in residential treatment. I’ve been offered the opportunity beginning in May to work on getting our girls physically active despite being stuck in a locked unit. I feel as if I owe it to myself to get to the implementation of that program before writing off residential.

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Mama Always Said…

A 12-year-old identified one of my greatest flaws Saturday in one question: Why does your face turn red when you don’t know something? Ironically, I was deemed a “veteran” staff member by some of my colleagues that same day. I had a sassy, head-bobbing moment in the office where I informed incoming staff that one particular client could not do anything fun until a writing assignment was completed. I don’t even remember if the consequence was for disrespect or for failing to follow directions. That’s okay because it got worse on Monday.

I found out that one of my “triggers” is clients inciting others who are struggling. It was my first freakout and my first car ride home spent crying hysterically. There was honestly no time to process and validate my emotions at all during my eight hour shift Monday so once I was exhausted and finished with an incredibly emotional shift, I was emotional. So currently, I’m wondering whether that type of breakdown is normal or mandatory in this type of work. If I didn’t emotionally respond to a child laughing at another child who wanted to die, would I be right for this type of work? The key in the future will be stopping that process at the emotional level rather than acting upon what I feel so strongly.

Fortunately, my week turned around today. I came in early for a meeting with Liz Ferro of Girls with Sole. My mom always tells me that “no education is ever wasted” and that “everything happens for a reason.” Lately, I’ve been doubting my master’s degree. I’ve been feeling as if it’s only gotten me full spinning classes during daytime hours (which I guess filling a 10AM spinning class is an accomplishment, even if “filling” means 11 patrons). Now I have the opportunity to do something about which I’ve been passionate about from the commencement of my master’s degree: advocating for the physical wellness and, in turn, affecting all aspects of wellness of a population that may otherwise never have experienced the satisfaction that follows a bout of exercise. Even more exciting to me are the long-term benefits, the possibilities, that these girls will have from simply participating: self esteem increases, reduced or eliminated dependence on drugs, alcohol, and self-harm, and prolonged lives.

What Is It That I Do?

A story on the local news just got me all sorts of riled up. A truly sad story about a client in residential treatment was portrayed in a biased fashion. I’ve worked in residential treatment since mid-November, which is not nearly long enough to make me an “expert” by any means, but enough to have some significant experiences. I’m on my weekend right now (thank goodness) because this week alone, I have been bitten, cleaned up vomit, had a Styrofoam cup of feces inches from my face, a cup of urine poured on me, blood on my hands, and one emergency room visit.

My dad has been initiating conversations with me circumventing the question, “Is what you’re doing a positive thing?” Hopefully that’s what he’s meaning to say rather than, “Is what you’re doing actually harming kids more than they’ve already been harmed?” I hung out with the client with whom I experienced my first crisis when I was shadowing. The client was in a terrible place emotionally and told me about plans after discharge. For the record, this kid has arrived fairly recently and discharge does not seem to be in the near future. After assuring me that the spork the client was holding could be used as a weapon to kill me, I initiated a conversation about life after treatment. It started off optimistic – apologizing to those people who had been wronged by the client’s actions, but ended with the client completing suicide.

Why the scattered random stories and list of crap that’s happened this week? I’ve been genuinely wondering if this type of treatment works. It’s easier to see what isn’t working, but with my little experience, it’s tough to determine what solutions to present, so I’ve been discouraged. Biased sources in the media discouraged me even more tonight. I can assure anyone who reads this that almost all the staff members I have encountered have the best intentions. As we joke, we’re definitely not in it for the money. Personally, I’m in it because I’ve connected with some of the clients, I’ve stopped people from self-harming in the moment, I’ve instilled new ideas and possibilities in multiple clients. Even if they don’t have the courage to permanently change their ways or choose a new path, just by being a trusted adult, I can give them options. It seems that many of the clients reach their lowest points not when they are admitted into residential treatment, but while they are there, learning all sorts of new skills from other clients. Pulling someone out of that spiral, even temporarily, has been fulfilling, even in light of the bites, the blood, the urine, the broken windows and lights, and the verbal abuse.

So what it is that I do for a living? I go to work with a disgusting amount of positivity and maintain ridiculously high levels of optimism, even when I am personally struggling. This next one is nerdy, but I grade myself daily on how helpful I have been in moving clients toward assimilating back into society and on what skills I have refined within them and on what kind of support I was able to be. This work is selfless and to indicate otherwise on a news channel is offensive.

Once Upon a Time

I’m watching “Once Upon a Time.” This has become a Sunday thing followed by viewing “The Walking Dead.” Typically I have to do something else while watching TV – stretch, read, write, whatever. I haven’t written in a while because I have felt completely and wonderfully insane. All my time not spent at work is spent planning, pining, and being excited about my new job and my new life. To be fair, I do a lot of this at work too. (I only have four more half days at the daycare!) My friend Kim yelled at me on our long run yesterday for all this planning business. She makes a valiant point: what’s wrong with just going with the flow, starting a job, and figuring things out whenever they naturally arise?

I love me some structure. It’s easy for me to structure my mornings and afternoons and since I’ll be working second shift, I’ll be running, spinning, lifting, or volunteering in the mornings, working, and then going to bed. I told Kim that I already know I want to go back to school in 2015. I’m not sure what program or even whether it will be to pursue another master’s degree or a PhD…or a PsyD. So there is a lot to consider. However, I have never spent a year and a half researching and experiencing to make a decision, so I don’t understand why this would be any different.

On another note, I went out on Friday with some people from my summer job. To sum up my experience there, here is an Eleanor Roosevelt quote that I just found appropriate for the situation:

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face…we must do that which we think we cannot.

For approximately six years, being unemployed or unsatisfied with my employment situation has been my biggest fear. Perhaps this is a characteristic of people who plan as much as I do. I saw no purpose in attending college and graduate school if it would not lead to full-time fulfillment. Simply being offered something that I perceive as fulfilling has changed everything.

In social situations, I’m an observer, I’m quiet, and I don’t particularly like meeting brand new people. I’ll happily meet friends of friends when I’m out, but strangers are a different story. Regardless, I met a stranger with prompting from the people I was with. I communicated well with many people Friday night and apparently portrayed myself well. In short, I genuinely believe that confidence makes all the difference. After disappointment and uncertainty, no matter how small it seems in retrospect, I achieved something I wanted and got an offer. That alone led to me carrying myself differently.

So to wrap up, I do have a question. Why is it that every time a girl meets a guy in a bar, one of three things must happen? 1) He completely forgets who you are and nothing happens. 2) You become a booty call later. 3) He wants to start dating. Maybe I’m strange (I’m definitely strange), but why can’t you meet someone in a bar and begin a friendship?

I Got an Offer…

…And I accepted it!

I accepted in an extraordinarily awkward (characteristic of me) fashion, but maybe it’s endearing. Just before I got the call, I went downstairs to whine to my dad about how hopeless I was becoming. I dropped my phone on the fireplace and complained for literally two minutes before it rang and I was offered the position. So clearly my new place of employment is psychic and also has a sense of humor. I start November 18th with mass amounts of training.

As awkward as accepting a new job was for me, giving notice that I was quitting at the daycare was even more awkward. I told my director that I needed to speak with her and of course she wasn’t thrilled – I didn’t expect she would be, but I was hoping for genuine well-wishes. Following my short discussion with the director, the preschool teacher approached me with this whole, “I couldn’t help but overhear” business and wanted my contact information for her undergraduate daughter.

This isn’t my worst fear by any means, but one of my preoccupations with starting a career has regarded how many toes I have to step on to get what I want. Before I got my call, I almost wrote an entry about how much I “need” to have something full-time. As someone who has been drilled on the importance of concise and accurate language, I reconsidered what I “need.” I am making payments on my loans with a part-time position at the daycare. I received First Aid and CPR training through the daycare and they paid me the hourly rate that enabled me to make the long commute to and from work. And instead of showing how grateful I am that this daycare hired me when I really could use the income, I am leaving them at the first sign of something better. The working world is a mean and cutthroat place.

So the bottom line is that I’m never going to please everyone. I’ve been doing a lot for me lately and have yet to regret any of it. In addition to taking that job, I got my spinning certification for myself, I’ve been running and eating healthier for myself, and reading to work on myself… Those are the things that are not affected by what I do for a living. I realize that I have not been blogging about this job search for my entire “funemployment” period, but if I had been, it would have been quite obvious that I identify strongly with what I do and I also judge myself incredibly harshly based on the impact I’m having. I’m not exceptional at caring for toddlers; other people are. My place to make an impact is where I’ll be two weeks from Monday and that’s an incredible feeling.